


Happy Birthday, Detective Douche

by GlitterSkullFairy



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Birthday, Bracelet Bros, Douchifer, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Insults, Post-Season/Series 05A, Presents, Spoilers, Vegas with some Radish Vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterSkullFairy/pseuds/GlitterSkullFairy
Summary: Warning: 5a spoilersEveryone else: Deckerstar! Deckerstar! Deckerstar!Me: Does this mean Dan can get a necklace to match Chloe's????
Relationships: Amenadiel & Dan Espinoza, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, Dan Espinoza & Ella Lopez, Dan Espinoza & Lucifer Morningstar, Dan Espinoza & Mazikeen
Comments: 41
Kudos: 327





	Happy Birthday, Detective Douche

**Author's Note:**

> In case you haven't read the message, SEASON 5a SPOILERS!!
> 
> Still here? Good.  
> I honestly could not get this idea out of my head from the moment Dan pulled the trigger.  
> This is just my weirdo sense of humour.
> 
> (Ps, I haven't forgotten the WIP, but I got distracted by all the shiny new Douchifer themes.)

Dan shifted his feet in the elevator. He didn't know what the emergency was, but Lucifer had insisted he was needed, and it was important. So he came, because Lucifer it turns out Lucifer didn't lie. 

Ever.

Which took a while to get used to, especially when he kept dropping little comments about Hell into the conversation, or that he had partied with Caligula, or that he'd had sex with the entire cast of the Bolshoi. Coping with Lucifer being the actual Devil had been hard enough to deal with, but he was getting past it. Coping with all his Luciferness being actual fact and not a delusion or even an exaggeration was a harder pill to swallow. It was hard to be mad at him for being such a pretentious dick when he'd actually done all the things he claimed. 

Hard. But not impossible. Dan was certainly putting in enough effort.

And it helped when Lucifer was so completely oblivious to his feelings, and continued to insult him like he was a lesser being (which, technically, it turned out, he was) and ignore the fact that he might have other plans or of his own life and expected him to just drop everything at his beck and call. 

So why was he standing in the elevator all the way up to the penthouse when he should have been meeting the friends who actually remembered it was his birthday? Oh yeah. Because Lucifer said he needed him.

And Lucifer didn't lie.

The doors opened. He took a breath. Keep it polite, keep it short, and evening might still be salvageable.

"Ah, Daniel, perfect timing," Lucifer said from beside the bar. "Can I get you a drink?"

Dan considered. It might make him a little late, but they couldn't exactly start without him, right? It was his birthday. Besides, he'd been here before, and it was good whisky. "Sure. Why not?"

Lucifer poured a second glass, and offered it, but then pulled it back. "Hold on. I better give you your surprise first."

"Surprise? What surprise?" His brow creased in worry. He didn't want to think about the kind of surprise Lucifer might have prepared to torment him. Dogs. Bees. Hair removal. Or maybe he'd just take him for a quick flight around the building. He must have wings like his twin right? Unless… fuck, those scars on his back… 

Lucifer paused briefly, just long enough to let him stew, and then smiled. "Why, this surprise of course."

"Surprise!" 

He jumped and clung to the edge of the bar in shock as everyone simultaneously leapt out from various hiding places in dark corners and behind pieces of furniture. There were a few pops and bangs and streamers filled the air, catching on the tree root chandelier and falling on the piano.

Lucifer's grin widened. "Well that expression alone is worth the effort. I don't get to see fear like that so often now that I've retired." 

"What the-"

He passed Dan the glass. "Happy birthday."

Dan took a good swig, and felt better for it. He looked around the room. Amenadiel, Linda, Maze, Ella, and Chloe. They were all here.

"Wait, where's Trixie?"

"With her grandmother. I don't mind the urchin on game nights, but this is a grown up party. I intend to get you all very drunk. Amenadiel might be a challenge, but luckily, for someone with a celestial constitution, he's a bit of a lightweight."

"Celestial constitution?"

Lucifer hummed as he sipped. "Yes. Those of us from angelic stock metabolise the alcohol much more quickly. Which is a right pain in the arse sometimes, but what can you do, eh?"

And that explained another mystery. 

"Drink up birthday boy, there's plenty more where that came from."

Dan knocked it back and smiled. "So this was the big emergency? You're throwing me a birthday party? I thought you said it was important."

"It is. Detective?" he turned, without elaborating, "shall we get some tunes on? This party's too quiet."

It didn't stay quiet for long. After a few songs Ella quickly took control of the music and found something a bit less cheesy. Maze brought out a bottle of tequila and said they should all do shots. 

"Isn't it a little early?" Dan asked.

"Demon," she said by way of explanation. 

Dan nodded. "Fair enough."

She lined up the glasses on the table near the bar and they all gathered round. "I don't play bartender for just anyone, you know," she said firmly. "But Dan's pretty awesome at kicking ass for a human. So, here's to you, buddy."

"Don't forget the pickle juice!" Chloe said, grabbing a jar.

Linda gagged as she knocked hers back, and stuck out her tongue surprisingly far. "Gah! That's so disgusting!"

"I've had worse," Ella said. 

"What could be worse than that?"

"Well, you could put milk on it for a start."

 _"Why?_ Why would you do this?"

"It was a dare. Also to prove that the science guys are way tougher than the uniform guys."

"Did it work?"

"I make my living looking at dead bodies. My stomach is pure steel."

Maze offered her a fist bump, which she took, along with another shot. 

"Okay, I'll just take the alcohol this time," Linda said.

"Nuh-uh," Maze shook her head. "I'm making you pace yourself. Don't want you to pass out too early again."

“I’m not gonna pass out!”

"Please. You're as much of a lightweight as Amenadiel."

"That’s unfair. It's not my fault half my friends are supernatural."

"I still can't believe it took us all that long to work out it was real," Ella pointed out. "We're like the department's best investigators!"

"And that record isn’t not just because of my mojo, either," Lucifer admitted. "You all have brains- well, most of you do, and Daniel makes up for it with stubborn effort-"

"Really? Even on my birthday?" Dan whined. 

"What? Anyway, it's not like I didn't tell you."

"I know!" Ella agreed. "Like six hundred and sixty-six times, or something!"

"You just didn't believe him until you needed to," Chloe said. "But I still think you win- we only worked it out once we'd seen proof."

"What did make you change your mind in the end?" Amenadiel asked.

Everyone went quiet.

"Sorry, is that a bad question?"

"No, it's just… okay short version. This one guy really hurt and betrayed me. Lucifer sat me down, and assured me, very eloquently, how he was going to get what was coming to him."

"And you believed him?"

"It was a very persuasive speech."

"Would you believe her first reaction was to hug me?"

Amenadiel chuckled. "Of course it was."

"Yeah, I also bawled all over him, which was embarrassing. For him, not me."

"But it doesn't scare you? At all?" Linda asked.

"What can I say? I grew up with a ghost, the Devil's not too much of a stretch."

"There's no such thing as ghosts," Amenadiel said, and got a glare from Lucifer.

"Wait, what?" Ella turned to Lucifer, confused. "You told me she was real."

"I told you she was real, I didn't say she was a real _ghost."_

Ella gave him a hard stare. "We are going to talk about this later. But I'm not spoiling Dan's party."

"I think that's probably the best plan for now, yes. Shall I have the food brought up?"

It turned out the Devil did gluttony almost as well as lust. A pair of waiters pushed two trolleys out of the lift, and set up platters of delicious treats on the desk in the library. There was way too much food, but it was the sort of things you could keep going back to nibble at. 

"So what have you done with Charlie tonight?" Dan asked Amenadiel as they ate their cake.

"He's with the sitter. Thanks for doing the background check on her for me, it did a lot to ease my mind."

"Hey, no problem. Whatever it takes to make sure that kid is safe."

"I have something else to ask you, actually."

"What do you need?"

"Linda and I have been thinking. A traditional christening doesn't seem appropriate, but we want to do a kind of thanksgiving ceremony. And we'd like you to be his godfather."

Dan put down his plate and chewed and swallowed a sticky mouthful before he could reply. "Really? Me?"

"Yeah."

"Why me? Surely one of your angelic siblings would be more qualified for the job."

"I disagree. We still don't understand Charlie's true nature, but we do know that we're bringing him up here, and he's going to need good human role models."

"And you think that's me?"

"Yes. I know you find it hard to believe, but I have faith in you, Dan. You've become a true friend."

Dan blinked quickly, determined not to get over emotional, but weakened by the alcohol. "Then, yeah. I'd be honoured."

Amenadiel smiled and pulled him into a back-slapping hug.

As the evening wore on, the trays of food slowly emptied, and so did a great many bottles of booze. It was mostly spirits, and between them Lucifer and Maze seemed to manage to steer everyone to just the right level of drunkenness. Dan was starting to think that was easily the best birthday he’d had in a long time. Probably since before the divorce. There was still a small voice at the back of his brain telling him this was all an elaborate prank, and at any minute Lucifer was going to turn around and do something awful to embarrass him. But the alcohol was helping with that. He flopped on the sofa, sipping at his whisky- he’d lost count how many he’d had, and it kept getting topped up before it ever got empty anyway- and took a moment to appreciate what good friends he had. Maze and Amenadiel had both beaten him at arm wrestling, and were now battling each other. Maze was holding her own, but only just, and he was fairly sure Amenadiel was holding back just enough to keep her straining. She was, admittedly, quite a picture with her teeth bared and her muscles popping. He decided he might challenge her again later. Not that he stood any chance of winning, but if he could make her look at him like that for just a few seconds, it might be worth it. He chuckled. _Don't be an idiot, Dan,_ he warned himself, _she's a demon._

On the other hand, his ex-wife was happily dating the Devil. It could work.

He sighed. Yeah. Definitely drunk.

Ella, Linda and Chloe were gathered at the piano, singing terribly while Lucifer accompanied them. Linda had found a magnifying glass from somewhere and was using it as a microphone. Lucifer alternated between grinning and wincing when one of them missed a note, but he seemed happy. He kept giving Chloe little looks, like she was the best thing in the universe. It was kinda cute. And Dan was glad they were happy. Sure, it made life complicated, but he wasn't sure how much of that was because Lucifer was just Lucifer, and how much was because he was also _actual Satan._ But then again, neither of them had joined the police force because they wanted an easy life. And if he was sure of one thing, it was that Lucifer would never hurt her or Trixie, and that they were probably safer in his hands than anywhere else.

The ladies finished their song and Chloe and Linda went to watch the arm-wrestling. Ella dropped down beside Dan and shoved her shoulder against his. “How’s our birthday boy doing?”

“Good. Very good, actually,” he grinned. “I can’t believe _Lucifer_ threw me a party.”

“Yeah. Your host is the actual Devil.”

“No, not that. I mean, yeah, that, but still. It’s _Lucifer._ He’s usually such a pain in the ass.”

“You thought he didn’t like you,” she teased in a sing song voice. 

“Let’s be honest, our friendship is tenuous at best.”

“Then why is he still wearing the bracelet?” 

“He’s what?”

Ella nodded towards the piano. Lucifer now had his jacket off and his sleeves rolled up. Dan couldn’t see his hands from this angle, so he got up and walked around for a better view. He’d planned on going to get a glass of water, but when he saw the amethyst he stopped dead in his tracks. Lucifer didn’t miss a beat, but glanced up at him, caught the line of his gaze, and smiled. He didn’t stop playing when Dan squeezed on the bench next to him.

“You’re wearing it again.”

“So it appears.”

“How long have you been hiding it under your clothes?”

“It doesn’t exactly match the rest of the look.”

“Why are you doing all this, man? The food, the booze, the music.”

“It’s called a party, Daniel. I know you don’t get out much, but I hear it’s a human tradition for birthdays.”

“Very funny. But why are you throwing a birthday party _for me?”_

“I thought that was obvious. We’re still bracelet bros.”

Dan smiled. “Hey, you want a top-up?”

“That would be lovely.”

He went over to the bar, poured a generous glass, and brought it back to the piano. Lucifer finished his tune and took a drink.

“Presents!” Chloe blurted suddenly, raising her glass high on the air. 

“Presents?” Dan turned, slightly too quickly which made his head spin a little.

“Yes. Can’t have a birthday party without presents.” She pointed at the sofa. “Sit.”

He took a seat in the centre, and all his friends gathered round him.

"Here," Maze said bluntly, and handed him a knuckle duster. "For next time we go beat up bad guys."

He ran his fingers over the engraved metal. He wasn't sure he could think of a situation where he could legally justify using it, but he appreciated that it was her version of an act of sentiment. "Thanks, Maze."

"I got Amenadiel to take me back to Hell to make it, so if you ever feel the need to punch an angel, we got you covered."

"Wait, this is like your knives?"

"Yeah, and it works too." She grinned. "Feathers here has got the bruised ribs to prove it."

"You let Maze hit you?"

Amenadiel shrugged. "I needed to know it worked. Just in case any more of my siblings turn up uninvited."

"Dude," Dan just stared at the thing in his hand. A weapon that could work against angels. His brain refused to think about it too closely, and he was happy with that. He could work it out later.

Chloe brought some gift bags out from the bedroom, and Dan opened them one by one. The rest of the presents were much more mundane- a gyroball from Amenadiel, a custom Weaponizer Funko Pop from Ella, the Queer Eye book from Linda, and a pot of Sister Betsy’s surf board wax from Chloe. 

"Best for last," Lucifer said, holding up the smallest bag. Inside it, Dan found a jewellery box. It held a silver chain, chunky enough to be something a guy would wear, with a dull, round pendant.

"This is actually kinda cool," he admitted. "Where'd you find it?"

"It's the bullet," Lucifer said with a smirk. "From when you shot me."

"You kept that?" Dan marvelled.

Chloe tried to stifle a laugh with her hand.

"What's so funny?"

"Well, it didn't go in, did it?" Lucifer went on. "You completely failed to penetrate me. Unlike my Detective."

Said Detective was now doubled over with silent laughter. "Lucifer!" she wheezed.

"Is this a sexual metaphor?" Amenadiel asked in confusion.

“Probably,” Dan mused, “but if it is, I don’t want to know.”

Chloe punched Lucifer in the arm, and flapped at her face, taking deep breaths to calm herself. Dan couldn’t help but find her humour infectious, even though he wasn’t sure what the joke was. “You okay, Chlo?”

She cleared her throat, and nodded, and then started giggling again, falling into Lucifer’s lap.

Dan chewed a lip, chuckling to himself. “Okay, whatever the joke is, I don’t mind it so much if it keeps doing that to her.”

“Early in our partnership, I told the Detective to shoot me, to prove I was actually the Devil. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and I ended up with a bullet in my leg, which is now around her neck.”

 _”That’s_ what that necklace is?”

“Mm-hm,” Chloe managed, her laughter subsiding.

“And I just thought, as you shot me too, I should get you one to match.”

Dan just shook his head. “Well, I’m glad we’ve reached a point where we can joke about that. Though I’m a little concerned that you want me to wear a necklace that matches your girlfriend’s.”

“It’s just a scrap of metal with which you failed to kill me, Daniel, I promise you.”

“So it’s not like… poisoned or cursed or anything like that?”

“Look, I realise that it’s difficult for your small brain to understand, but I don’t actually want to get rid of you. Granted, you somehow manage to be both boring and annoying, which is a unique talent, but in spite of your deficiencies, I’ve grown used to having you around. Besides, you have no idea how much pleasure I derive from tormenting you.”

“Right,” he said slowly, shifting through all the insults in an attempt to get to the meaning underneath. Lucifer enjoyed his company. This was his completely incompetent way of saying they were friends. He tried to put it on, but couldn’t quite figure out the clasp. “Ella, can you give me a hand?”

“Sure,” she said, and hooked it up with practised efficiency. It hung just below his breastbone, in the gap where the top button his shirt hung open.

Lucifer nodded with approval. “Happy birthday, Detective Douche.”


End file.
